Nighttime...

This is when I feel the worst. 

There are guys outside screaming and hollering and although they are annoying, I can't help but think "they sound like they are having fun."  And here I am underneath the covers reading a book in English and not studying Japanese while trying to choke back tears.

Yesterday, I had a particularly hard day and instead of keeping the tears at bay, I let them flow.  I don't know if it was because of the circumstances or the weight that has been on me recently.  Then later I had a Starbucks and forgot to tell them soy (not for lactose intolerant or vegan reasons but for health reasons) so I drank a whole milk frapp only to feel sick afterwards.

The weather is already disgusting.  It's become so humid and this change happened overnight.  I swear we didn't get a proper spring or fall or that matter.  Everyone claims Japan has four seasons and although the leaves changed the temperatures went from intolerable heat and humidity to blistering cold and then back again.  I'm back in ponytails but hey at least it's sunny.

Don't ask me what the point of this blog is.  I look around me and all that exist are people who want to get so earth shatteringly drunk they don't know which way is up.  I don't want to do that.  I didn't do that in America, so why would I do that here?  I'd rather spend my money searching the racks for clothes that fit or buying DVDs I promise to watch but never do or investing in Japanese books that don't help.  In the meantime, I'm sending texts out to the whole of Tokyo, hoping someone will respond.  Someone who would rather sit and chat at a cafe, someone who lives in east Tokyo instead of west Tokyo, someone who likes shopping and movies.  Friends are so hard to find here while in America they just seemed to magically appear.

It's 9:08PM.  I should go to bed and try again tomorrow.

おやすみなさい。

Fight!

Hi guys,

I don't know if you noticed or not but I haven't blogged lately.  I've been fighting a bit of depression lately that's kept me holed up in my apartment.  The root of this isn't really any one thing but a combination of things like life changes and stress, Japanese (always), friendships.

Tokyo is a big city and it's easy to get lost here both physically and emotionally.  Don't get me wrong.  I love living here but it is more work than I've ever done in my life.  But I guess the best things never come easy right?

So I will continue to fight.

(Lost) In America...

I'm trying to write a blog but I keep dozing off.  I am so tired.  Obviously, I'm still jet lagged if my body thought 1:30AM was an acceptable time to wake up.  It never is.  It might, in some cases, be an acceptable time to go to bed but never to wake up.

Today, my mom and I ran all over returning gifts and doing some light shopping and had a Mexican lunch to top it all off.  Later, my sister and I went to Kohl's to spend our gift cards.  Luckily, my family knows how much I love the Kohl's.

I bought these two sweaters (as well as various long sleeved tees for layering):

I am not looking forward to the cold again but I can't wait to wear them.  Neither picture does the colors justice as they are really quite pretty.

In other news, I've seen two friends since I got here six days ago.  I'm actually kinda bummed about it.  I mean I didn't expect the whole town to stop what they were doing and show up at my door but I had hoped more people wanted to see me.  I've been putting notices on Facebook like "Hey, I'm not busy."  No one has responded.  It makes me think about my life (that was) in Arizona.  I think maybe this means that it's officially over and everyone has moved on without me.  That's okay because I have a little life I've built in Japan.  It's nothing spectacular but it's all mine and I love it.  Of course, I may be reading way too much into this and it may be that everyone is just busy.  BUT, I made many gift bags thinking they'd be long gone but there they sit on the desk.  When I look at them, I get sad again.  I have been spending a lot of time with my family which is great.  I'm glad I get to see them.

My boxes are all reorganized and repacked.  The things I decided I wouldn't need are in a separate stack from those I do need (or want).  Two suitcases are packed full.  One is holding steady at right close to 50 pounds.  The other one is a carry on and the last suitcase I'll be cramming stuff into until the minute before I leave.  That's just how I roll.  Unfortunately, I think I pulled a muscle or really hurt my shoulder.  I am in a lot of pain back there.  I'm sure I did it lifting boxes.  It hurts so bad.  Or maybe it's from coughing.  I wish that would hurry up and be done.

Welcome my new reader Sassymoo!  (I'm glad she's here because I have been following her blog for a while.)

Anyway, I'm dozing again.  Hope you're not in this bad of shape!

Settling...

When I arrived in Japan, just slightly over two months ago, I was plagued by immense tooth pain.  Prior to leaving the US, I had two crowns put on since I was about to lose my insurance.  My mouth did not react well to the temporary crowns and also disliked the permanent ones.  The pain often had me in tears and I was taking four Advil three times a day.  If I forgot or the medicine started to wear off I would be literally crippled by pain clutching my face hoping that it would do something to alleviate the immense pain I felt.  I was afraid that this would last forever and I wouldn't be able to function normally without multiple daily doses of Advil.  Slowly, the pain faded.  I dropped the dosage to once a day.  I noticed today that I sometimes haven't taken Advil at all.  This is the mark of things settling.

When I arrived in Japan, I lived in a hotel for two weeks.  It was awful.  Of course, it was nice having the place cleaned for me daily but if you've never been in a Japanese hotel, they certainly lack what most of Japan lacks...space.  I was crammed into a hotel.  In the morning, I was crammed into the Asakusa line.  I got an apartment.  I got furniture.  I started with a bed and a small chest of drawers and I added the minimalist items needed to function in daily life: a stove, a washer, a fridge, a fan and some things added for convenience: a desk, a printer, a table.  I look around and it is still very minimal and not like any place I've ever lived but it is my home.  I haven't decorated...I should.  Maybe I will...soon. 

I didn't think that life here will be perfect instantaneously but I have noticed that things have begun to settle even if those things are small and routine.

Please note that I do realize this may somewhat contradict the post I wrote two days ago but I think that's the point.  I'm trying to be more positive about things as having a positive attitude has always been a challenge for me.  Baby steps, I suppose.